monsoon season @deluge@ni.hil.ist

the joy of not having a political project to defend. the serenity of not needing to convince anyone of anything.

but i will still feel at best uncomfortable around everyone as i avoid eye contact and unnecessary interaction

i want some people to be terrified of me and i want other people to feel very safe and comfortable around me with zero in-between

i think my main gripe with marxist/communist talk is that it's hokey, boring and lacks spontaneity and imagination. and in the worst instances it's borderline religious where they might as well be quoting from the bible. all of these cliches and analysis based on dubious foundations (like hegel or some other boring nonsense), modeled on a world that hasn't existed for 150 years.

there's also this weird academic phenomenon happening where everybody wants to bolt their own pet theory onto marxism and marx was doing that too. everybody is bolting their pet theories onto everybody else's for some kind of legitimacy citations game and it's weird as fuck. it's like a whale died 150 years ago and there's been a feeding frenzy on the bottom of the ocean ever since.

and whatever value some of the ideas might have (although even then there's plenty to be skeptical about), you can just talk about those dynamics without all the baggage of everything else. things really don't need to be connected into some grand theoretical framework, why does everyone want to do that.

i rode my bike, and got hot and sweaty, then took a shower and now a ton of hairs are falling out as i rake my face with my fingers. i think both of those probably open up the pores or something.

what is the point of experts if you need to have an independent understanding of their discipline to know if they're full of shit or not because them having a credential doesn't tell you much

the thing i hate the most about the "trans community" is how deferential so many are to authority figures, especially therapists. why would i ever trust a therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist (don't care/know what the difference is), professions that have (and continue to) inflict so much suffering and death with their gatekeeping and mediation. and you have no idea going into talking to one of these expensive professionals what their "deal" is, so you already need to know so much so they don't sucker you with some of their personal prejudice or pet theories.

most areas have thinned out pretty good (~50%?) but chin remains very stubborn so i've been cycling through that area more often. i got some chin blisters from lasering yesterday which could be a good sign because last time i noticed that, the hairs under the blisters died and the skin was fine after time to recover.

gender-affirming knife

love it when i chop up spicy peppers and they get all over my hands because i don't give a fuck and then i touch my face and it pleasantly burns for a while

i scavenged a tow rope today that will make a perfect knife sash

i want to find a scary knife and carry it with me everywhere

the continuing appeal of not giving a fuck

sometimes i forget that i am a food anarchist and i just put whatever combinations together without thinking much about it. then when i am around other people i am reminded that this is uncommon.

today i'm going extra hard. did 30 bursts earlier and i'm going to do another 20 soon

pretty fuckin great today to wake up, stroke my stubble, and watch heaps of tiny hairs come out. especially good because i had started to feel that progress was stalling

it's cool when anarchists get banned from twitter. more people should get banned. ideally everyone.

i shouldn't be surprised that literally everyone immediately understood the intended subtexts here

i appreciate people who still wear masks for health reasons so i have more social cover to wear a mask mostly for other reasons

trying to figure out what bothers me so much about "hope" talk and there are layers. one dynamic is the relief given by wishful thinking where you imagine a fantasy as a substitute for doing anything real. and how very commonly the real things you do are wrapped up in the fantasy. i guess it's fine to have fantasies and beautiful, impossible dreams (i'm certainly guilty of this) but i find much more satisfaction in the real and immediate concerns of living how i want to live, relating to others how i want to relate. and "hope" thinking gets in the way of this. you get the dopamine hit of living in an ideal world instead of the hard work of bringing your life more in line with your ideals.

interfacing with reality is hard and messy and full of compromise while wishful thinking is easy. if i want something to happen, i'm not going to hope that it does. i'm going to cynically believe that it probably won't and then address the scenarios for failure to ensure that i'm more likely to get my intended outcome, if it's worth the trouble.